Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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