you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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