Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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