My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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