I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
As shirtless as possible
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
