Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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