Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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