Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
