I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am one with the molecules
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
