The maid of honor just puked.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
