My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
