I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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