I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have already put on my inside pants.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
