Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he thought i was a dude.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Randomize
