a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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