trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
