Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
