He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
