I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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