I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
