I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
