Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
