I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
