You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
