Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
