explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
