i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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