just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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