Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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