Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
