I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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