And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
