I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
