I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
