So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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