Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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