A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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