I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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