Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
