I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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