Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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