I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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