So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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