We won't sleep together?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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