Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
