When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
