I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
