Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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