gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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