she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
