Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
