omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
