I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
