I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
