Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
