i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
